


Home (LS)

by Loumakeshazzastrong



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-06-18 10:43:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15483996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loumakeshazzastrong/pseuds/Loumakeshazzastrong
Summary: I don’t really have much to say about the story, there isn’t exactly a main topic. It comes and goes, it’s about Louis’ life during Hiatus, basically. It’s definitely focused on Harry and Louis though.I do wanna say, just for you to bare in mind when you read, that all events in this story fit the real timeline. So the first chapter is set sometime in August, 2016. Time will pass in this story, we’ll reach 2018 eventually, and things that are happening right now.





	1. They don`t know about us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Directioners](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Directioners).



> A/N: This story is based on the One Direction boys and the personal life that’s been shown to the world. I took elements from reality and adjusted them so they could fit in this story. Everything is fictional and it only relies on elements of their lives. I don’t pretend to think I understand how they feel and felt, and how they’ve dealt with everything that’s happened in their lives. I’m also not judging them because this is fictional, and I added details to certain topics that may be fragile to them and even to some of you. Again, I don’t pretend to understand what’s really happened, it’s fictional. I try to make everything the most respectful way I’m capable of.  
> Between sensitive topics: -Jay’s death and illness. -Robin’s death. -Zayn’s departure. -Larry’s relationship. -Perception of the fandom, including Larries and Antis. -One Direction’s relationship within each other before, while and possibly after the Hiatus. -The Hiatus.

There was once a man. A short, beautiful and tired man. His life was boring now that he was away from home; his home was gone, and it felt as if he would never get it back.

This man was tired. So, so tired. He hated his same, old, boring routine. He missed those days in which he was surrounded by life, joy and love; and what did he actually have? Nothing but loneliness.

He used to perform on stages all around the world, being happy and doing what he loved. He still did, but it wasn't like before. Something was missing, someone was missing.

Sometimes people wouldn't understand nor believe that he actually missed them. I say fuck them, they know nothing, but it's not really about me; people didn't know shit, they didn't know how much he missed Niall, Nialler; his laugh and smile, his company and comments, his always incredible mood. The most cute lad ever, so loyal and always there for him. The person who he could always go to and forget about everything else. His Irish self always tried to make you smile like it was his mission on Earth.

They didn't know how much he missed Liam, the Payno, his mate, the person who he would behave like a child with. The person who he co-wrote songs with, those song that meant everything to him. The person who wouldn't leave his side. The person that supported him while everything was completely broken.

They didn't know how much he missed Z, how much he meant to him. I don't think even Zayn knew it, but then again, this is not about me. He was his best mate, the person he could rely on, the person who wouldn't judge him, the person who would always be with him. The person who left the band, the person who left him, the person who broke his heart. The person he still missed, the person he still loved.

They didn't know how much he missed Harry. They didn't know he missed his beautiful eyes, his adorable dimples and his cute, dumb jokes, his always warm and comforting hands on his back. They didn't know he missed his best friend and his anchor. They didn't know he was in love with him.

And what didn't he know? He didn't know he wasn't alone, he still had all that love waiting for him. He didn't know that all he had to do was get up and go get it, it was behind his door.

But back to him, he was bored and decided he should write a song for his new album, his solo album. But he couldn't. Maybe he wasn't inspired, maybe it wasn't the right time, maybe he didn't have anything to share and maybe he should just leave it and go to sleep. And so he did. He went to his bedroom to nap; after a couple of hours he woke up, it was 7 pm. and he was still tired, but he couldn't keep sleeping.

He went to the kitchen to make some tea. He liked tea, it made him feel warm inside, something that didn't seem to happen often. Yeah, he liked it. He took his time to drink it and then decided he should give his song a second shot. And he was about to go when something caught his attention.

Something was out of place, something didn't fit in his routine. Something was disturbing the silence of his place. Something, someone. This someone was knocking on his door… who could it be? Definitely someone he knew because if not, security wouldn't have let them get that close.

Hope ran through his veins. Maybe someone has come to free him from his own hell, maybe someone would...

He opened the door and he certainly wasn’t ready to see what he saw. He wouldn’t have been ready even if he had known and had had years to prepare himself.

What was he doing there?

His Hazza.

He was standing there just staring at him. They were both staring because they had both changed so much since the last time they had seen each other.

Even attempting to move sounded dangerous. It was like moment made of glass, waiting to be broken.

What was he supposed to do? Hug him? Kiss him? Say hi? Ask what he was doing there? All of them? None? What?

\- Hi, Lou.

His voice hadn't changed at all. He remembered it perfectly. Sometimes when he was alone he would pretend like none of that was real, like he still felt great and that Harry was proud of him. He could listen his low voice in his head, saying his name with a intimate smile, congratulating him for doing something right,

He knew he was worrying people, he wasn’t blind. He's seen what people had to say about how he was looking skinny, how he didn't look happy, how he always seemed to be drunk or high, how he was forced into doing stuff he didn't want to -which true-, how he didn't look like before. And that was the thing, he wasn't who he used to be. He was someone new. Maybe not better, maybe even worse, but still. He’d changed and that was a fact.

At first, he felt guilt. That was the first "stage" as his psychologist liked to call it. He felt guilty because he could hear the people he cared about worrying about him. He received thousands of calls every day. At first, of course.

Then, he felt anger. He didn't understand why people wouldn't leave him alone. He snapped at them, complaining about how they didn't let him live his life. He was angry because he knew what he was causing -literal words from the psychologist pal-, he knew he was doing bad but he couldn't get himself to stop. Which kind of true. He was angry, but at himself. He had so many things to be happy, but instead, he kept focusing on the negative stuff. He was angry because he couldn't move on, move forward. He couldn’t be happy;

After that, he felt guilt again. It was because of all the pain he caused while being his angry self and then he reached out for the ones he’d hurt; and so the cycle continued.

 Kind of.

It did until he felt just sad. He felt sad for a while. A long while.

Then he just kind of suddenly felt nothing, he was emotionless. It was like that feeling of emptiness that he had got used to. That sadness, that emptiness, it made no difference. It was just there, it didn't affect him anymore, it was who he was. What he has become.

And that’s the Louis you’ll get to know.

\- Hey.

\- Are you alone?

What was he doing there? What would Harry had gone for? What was he looking for?

\- Yeah, wanna come in?

\- Sure, thanks.

Harry went inside and just kind of looked around with his eyes, but didn't move. He looked cautious.

\- So, what's up?

\- Whatcha you mean, Lou?

Lou. He certainly didn’t know how to feel about it. The feeling that name brought was just something he had forgotten. He wasn’t used to it. It wasn't empty or sad.

\- Why did you come?

\- Lottie said you haven't been seeing your psychologist.

\- Oh, that.

It was hard to tell if that was the answer Louis was looking for or not.

-You talk to Lottie?

\- Not really, Gem and her went out for lunch the other day.

\- Oh.

\- So, why haven’t you been going to your psychologist?

\- I just don’t feel like going.

\- Why not? I thought it was helping.

\- Helping what exactly, Harry?

Why did he Harry have to come? Louis didn’t really understand.

\- Come on, Lou, You said so yourself.

\- This is stupid.

\- Alright.

Was that all? Was now Harry going to leave?

-What have you been up to?

Apparently not.

\- Not much, to be honest. I’ve been napping.

\- I meant lately.

\- Yeah, I know.

\- I see.

\- Yeah.

Silence.

\- Why don’t you answer our calls?

\- I’ve been busy.

\- Napping?

Silence.

\- Ok, what do you want then?

Louis really didn’t understand what Harry expected him to do.

\- I don’t want anything from you, I just wanna talk to you again.

\- Right, talk to me.

\- Why? Is that hard to believe? That I want you back in my life? That we all want you back in our lives?

\- It’s not hard to believe. I just can’t make it happen.

\- What?

Harry looked surprised.

Louis didn’t answer.

\- Lou, what do you mean by that?

\- By what?

\- When you say you just can’t make it happen. What does that mean?

\- Come on, Harry.

\- What?

\- Nothing, never mind.

\- Wait, no. Stop it. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me.

\- I don’t think anything is wrong with me.

As if, right?

\- Then why would you say something like that?

\- I meant I couldn’t meet up with you.

\- You don’t want me to be here, do you?

Well, shit.

\- Why would you say something like that?

-So no?

\- I do, Harry.

\- You do what?

\- Seriously?

Apparently yes.

\- OK, yes, I want you to be here.

\- Then why won’t you talk to me?

\- What are you on about? We are literally talking right now.

\- You know what I mean.

Louis was kind of angry.

\- No, I don’t. What do you want me to say? What do you want us to talk about exactly?

Silence.

-You want me to go on about how lonely I am? Or maybe you want me to say that I know I’m making you all feel like shit? No, it’s probably that you want me to confess that all this bullshit is my fault. How bad I fucked everything up? Perhaps you just want me to say that I’ve ruined the band, Zayn, my family, us. Is that so?

\- Wow.

\- What?

\- So is that it? Is that how you feel?

Silence.

\- Do you really feel like we blame you for all of that?

Silence.

-You think that I blame you?

\- It’s my fault after all.

\- What’s your fault?

\- Everything.

\- Care to explain?

-You know what I mean.

Obviously not.

\- I know it’s my fault that you guys are worried about me, obviously. I know it’s my fault my family worries about me. I know I should be there for my sisters and brother more than I actually am, I…

\- That’s not true. Lottie is always telling me how you are there for them every time they need you.

Louis ignored that.

\- I know it’s my fault we don’t talk to Zayn anymore. I know it’s my fault that we didn’t last any longer.

\- Lou, it’s not your fault. We worry about you because you won’t let us help. You only talk to your family, and they’ve told us that you don’t look happy. We worry because we see pictures of you high or drunk. We worry because we care.

\- I know I haven't’ done my best…

\- Wait, let me say this, you need to hear it; it’s not your fault that we don’t talk to Zayn all that much anymore. We aren’t as close as we used to be but it’s not, by any chance, your fault. How could it be?

\- You know, we didn’t end the best way.

\- None of us did, we weren’t ready then to understand it and we are not ready now. It’s not on you.

Silence.

\- And it’s not your fault that we didn’t last any longer.

If there was anything Louis wouldn’t believe, it was that.

\- Oh, give me a break.

\- Lou, come on. I mean it.

\- I can't do this right now.

\- We should to talk about this.

\- Seriously, I'm not feeling very well.

It was true.

Or Harry noticed it too or he knew he wasn’t going to get anything out of Louis.

\- Why?

That question could mean so many things.

None of them had an answer.

\- It's nothing, I'll just go get some rest. Are you staying the night?

\- Yeah, sure. Thanks.

\- It's alright. I'll take you to the guest room.

\- Yeah.

It took them about thirty seconds to get there, in pure silence. But it wasn't uncomfortable - not comfortable either-, it was just sad. Maybe nostalgic some would say. I don't know.

-See you tomorrow, Lou.

\- Goodnight.

 


	2. Everything about you

The next morning was... different. Louis wasn't planning on changing his routine. Not because he liked it, but because he was just too used to it and it was the only thing he knew how to deal with.

And I mean, who even does that anyway? ‘Oh, now I’ll change everything I know because I wanna try something new’, literally no one ever said.

Apparently it wasn't up to him.

\- Louis? Are you awake?

\- What do you want?

He wasn't a morning person.

\- I just... sorry, but I need to go.

\- Oh, you're leaving.

He kind of looked disappointed, I'd say.

\- Well, just for a couple of hours.

 - Where are you going?

\- I have to go shopping.

\- Shopping?

\- Well, yeah. Why?

\- You're kidding, right?

\- How's this weird?

\- Let’s put it this way, so how are you, Harry Styles, going shopping publicly in LA?

\- Oh, you're right. Silly me.

You may not know, but it was the case that Harry looked guilty.

\- Where were you really going?

\- Nowhere, just out.

\- Why are you being so secretive?

\- I'm not being secretive.

\- What about this situation isn't secretive?

\- What? This is confusing, it doesn't matter. I don't really have to go.

\- So, you were going somewhere but lied to me about it. Now, I ask you why you are lying but still, you don't tell me. How can you even attempt to say that this is not secretive? Tell me what’s going on.

\- What? No, Louis, it's nothing like that. I just wanted some fresh air.

Louis was getting to a conclusion.

He didn't like it.

\- If you were actually going where I think you were going, that's not gonna sit well with me.

\- I don't know what you're talking about.

He had an idea though.

\- Really? So, where were you going?

\- Just out.

\- Just go out. That’s too random. Maybe… you had an appointment?

\- What?

\- You know, a medical appointment? With a doctor?

\- That’s random and ridiculous.

\- Ridiculous is the fact that you suddenly show up and ask all these questions about my psychologist, then start acting secretive and expect me not to believe you are going there.  

Well, Harry’s been exposed.

\- I just want to help you and I don't know how.

So Louis was right after all.

Even if he got to that conclusion being absolutely paranoid because there weren’t many things hinting at that, yet he did find out what Harry was doing on his own, so I guess it worked for him after all.  

\- And so what? Were you going to ask the psycho what keeps me up at night I am? If I am crazy?

Sarcastic Louis is intimidating.

\- Louis, seeing a psychologist does not make you crazy nor a psycho.

\- I don't care and it doesn't matter because I'm not seeing him anymore.

\- Lou...

\- Don't 'Lou' me, I'm sick of you guys.

If I had to guess, I'd really say the 'angry stage' was back, but it was so sudden. And most importantly, what about the guilt stage?

\- How are you even sick of us? You barely talk to us, let alone see us.

\- You wanna go see that fucking psycho, go, get the hell out of here.

\- Louis, stop! I just want to be here for you. If you really don't want me to go, I won't go. Just... just talk to me.

\- This is seriously not...

\- Please, at least give me a chance.

\- What were you thinking when you came here? ‘I'll come over, have some tea with him and have him tell me everything that is wrong in his life?’

\- I didn’t plan anything, all I thought was ‘Hey, Louis’ not looking his best, I should be there for him’, why do we have to make this so weird?

\- Why do we have to make this weird? Are you fucking kidding me?

\- No, I am not.

\- So coming to see your ex, who you haven’t seen other than when being forced to, and him not wanting to open up to you doesn’t sound like a weird thing to do? Of course this is awkward.

\- This has nothing to do with that.

\- And what is this about?

\- This is me, Harry, worrying about you, Louis. No labels, just you and me.

\- There’s no you and me.

\- Of course it is, you are one of the most important people in my life.

I may be biased but I could swear Louis said ‘was’.

-I don’t know what you want from me, I really don’t.

\- I just wanna see you happy.

\- I am, are we done now?

\- Let me help you, let me be here for you.

\- What part of ‘I haven’t been answering any of your calls’ isn’t clear enough? I don’t want to see you, I don’t wanna hear from you, I just wanna be alone.

\- You are alone, Louis.

\- Fuck you.

He stood up and went straight to the door.

\- Hell, no. You are not walking away from me.

\- Fucking watch me.

\- You can’t just leave.

\- Of course not, I live here. You are leaving.

\- Really? You’re kicking me out?

\- Wouldn’t be the first time.

Ouch.

\- Fuck you, Louis.

Now it was Harry’s turn to leave.

\- I can’t fucking believe I let them talk me into this. - Harry laughed humorlessly to himself.

Louis followed Harry to the guest’s room, he looked like he regretted what he said. But he was still not saying anything.

\- What do you want? I’m leaving. I’m not gonna steal anything, you don’t have to keep an eye on me.

Louis remained still.

\- I mean it, it’s actually annoying having you there staring at me.

But Louis wasn’t going to answer, he wasn’t even listening.

\- Louis? Are you OK?

Nothing.

\- Louis, hey!

Nop, still nothing.

\- Louis? Louis Tomlinson? Lou? Come on.

So, saying that Harry was becoming anxious wouldn’t be wrong. But actually, he was freaking out.

\- Dammit!

Louis was, apparently, having a panic attack. I don’t really know if that’s what it was because I’ve never seen anyone having one, but that’s what Harry thought.

Harry called Louis’ psychologist right away. And luckily he answered.

\- Hello, Dr. Collins speaking.

\- Hi, yes, I’m Harry Styles, I was going to meet up with you today but Louis, Louis Tomlinson, one of your patients, had kind of a panic attack. I think. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.

-OK, first of all I need you to calm down, sir. Now, what makes you think it’s a panic attack? I don’t think he’s ever had one before.

-I don’t really know, to be honest. He’s just standing there, he kind of spaced out. He’s not answering me and I’m not sure if he can hear me. And it’s scary and I can’t even hear him breathing.

\- He’s not breathing?

Now the doctor was alarmed too.

\- Uhh, yeah, I think so, he’s just doing it so slowly.

\- OK, I need you to open the closest window so he gets fresh air in case he starts hyperventilating or has any trouble breathing. I can’t tell what’s wrong based on your description so i’ll be on my way. Try to get him to sit but don't move him around too much.

\- Are you sure? I could drive him there if it’s faster.

\- No, I don’t know what’s wrong so I don’t want him moving around. I’ll be going now. See you there.

\- Bye.

\- Bye.

Crisis.

\- Lou, come on. Let's sit, alright?   

Louis wasn't responding.

\- Lou, hey. Let's sit down, you look tired.

But Louis just started straight to the wall. He looked emotionless.

\- Lou, you're scaring me. Please.

Nothing.

Harry kept trying but it looked like Louis wasn't even there.

He was completely freaking out but he wouldn't leave Louis’ side. But he had to move, there was a knock on the door.

\- Hello, Mr. Styles. May I come in?

\- Yes, please hurry. I don’t know what to do.

The walk to the room was fast. Of course that being because Harry was practically running.

\- Louis, hey. How are you?

Louis didn't answer. At least it wasn't something against Harry.

\- Harry, could you please give Louis and I a minute?

\- Of course, yes, I'll be outside if you need me.

\- Thank you, Harry.

With that Harry left. He was extremely worried so he couldn't help himself. He put his ear right against the door to hear what was going on; he didn't catch much but what he did understand didn't help with his nerves. He heard things like: ‘Louis, there's nothing to be afraid of’, ‘none of us is going to hurt you’, ‘you are the one in control, we'll leave whenever you ask us to’, ‘you don't have to fight us, we are here for you’.

It went like that for at least 20 minutes, when Dr. Collins called Harry.

\- Harry, could you come back in, please?

So Harry wasted no time and went inside the room.

But it wasn't better. Louis was still staring straight into the wall but now he was sitting on the bed. That's progress, I guess.

\- Is he better now? Do you know what's wrong with him?

\- OK, first of all, there is nothing wrong with him, right, Louis? - he turned to look at Louis but Louis didn't seem to be listening.- and why don't we let Louis get some rest? We'll talk in the living room. Nothing you wouldn't approve, Louis. - he turned to Louis again to that last part.

Harry nodded and followed Dr. Collins into the living room, not before turning to look at Louis sadly.

\- Harry, we have lot of things to discuss, right?

Harry nodded his head yes.

\- Shoot.

\- OK, what's wrong with him?

\- I've already said this but you can never use those words again, are we clear? Specially in front of him. Seriously.

\- Right, I’m sorry.

\- Now, to answer your question, I can't really know for sure but I have my own theory. I think it had to do with something you did or said but in order to be sure, I'll need you to tell me exactly what happened before Louis zoned out. When did you get here?

\- Well, I got here yesterday around 8, I think. We talked for a bit but nothing major, he didn't want to talk. He kept giving me this short answers and he wouldn't tell me what was wron- what was bothering him.

\- OK, what did you get to talk about?

\- I asked him why he wouldn't answer our phone calls but he avoided the topic. He said something about having been busy right after the told me all he did lately was nap.

\- OK, what else?

\- I asked why he wasn't going to his appointments with you but he didn't like that. He said I thought he was crazy and fucked up and then he began blaming himself over a lot of stuff that happened to us, all of us.

\- I see, that was it?

\- I think so, yeah.

\- How did he look when he left to sleep?

\- Oh, right. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault that we had broken up and he said he wasn't feeling very well so I let him go to sleep.

\- And you went to sleep then?

\- Yeah.

\- What happened this morning?

\- I woke him up to tell him that I was going shopping because I knew he wouldn't like us meeting up but he realised, somehow, and he got angry and said some stupid things he shouldn't have and I got upset and was packing when he zoned out.

\- And he didn't answer you at all?

\- No, did he answer to you?

\- No, but I got him to look at me once or twice and to sit on the bed.

\- Oh.

There was a heavy silence.

\- What should I do now? How can I help?

\- Why don't you tell me why you wanted to meet up with me?

\- Oh, yeah. Well, I was worried about Louis and I knew I could be some kind of trigger for him so I wanted to make sure I was doing everything right to help him.

\- Well, that's very nice of you. Are you staying with him then?

\- If I can, yeah. I'll stay.

\- What do you mean by ‘can’?

\- If I can do this. This is really hard for me. .

 - I don't know you Harry, other than what Louis tells me about you, but you seem like a nice lad so let me tell you that this is a very fragile situation. I'm not sure if you are affected by everything that happened but I can 100% assure you that Louis is. So if you decide to stay but then leave him after two weeks, that's gonna upset him. Badly. So please, make a wise decision.

\- I'd never do anything to hurt him.

\- You'll have to be careful.

\- I'll do my best. But, what should I do? What do you think that happened?

\- My theory is that he got really overwhelmed. You have no idea how dull his routine has been all this time. He's not good at dealing with new emotions, especially now. And trust me when I tell you that the only sight of you is a trigger.

\- Was it a bad idea that I came?

\- Not at all. It's highly unhealthy not to deal with feelings and emotions. Louis needs this. But you probably shouldn't have brought that up the way you did it.

\- I don't know what to do.

-I mean, I can't tell you how to live your life. And I don't wanna pretend to know what's best for Louis. Just be here for him. That’s all you can do.

\- Alright. What's next?

\- I'm hoping he'll ‘wake up’ in no more than 4 hours. When that happens just make sure he's OK and that he doesn't act weird.

\- Weird?

\- Not weird as in awkward, weird as in something is wrong to with him.

\- OK, should I try to make him talk to me?

\- You can try, just don't pressure him.

\- Alright, thanks a lot for coming, really.

\- It's no problem at all.

\- I'll walk you to the door.

\- There's no need, just stay here with him. I know my way out.

\- OK.

\- And Harry?

\- Yes?

\- It's really good that you decided to come.

And with that Harry was left alone with Louis. Again.


	3. Change My Mind

Harry should've expected a fight between him and Louis, he really should've.

 But it still hurt.

When he decided to come visit Louis- after a lot of convincing from different people- he knew it was a risky idea, and that he should have let Louis know he was coming, but he was afraid he wouldn’t be welcomed.

Like literally kicked out.

He kept going through everything that's happened in those last 2 days in his head. He couldn't believe how much it's affected him. Of course he knew seeing Louis was gonna be something big, but he never imagined it would that pathetic.

Because it was absolutely pathetic. I mean, they had been together in a band for years now and they saw each other everyday, and he never reacted like that.

What was so different about it that time? Harry didn't know.

Talking to Dr. Collins just made everything worse.

Knowing that Louis was all that fragile was too nerve wracking. He never thought how much of a responsibility it was going to be.

Because it was a responsibility.

What was he supposed to do? There were a lot of things on display; first of all, he couldn't stand the thought of fighting on a daily basis. Also, he didn't know what Louis usually did, what he was going to have to deal with. Was Louis seeing someone? It didn't really looked like that, but it could be. Did Freddie come by often? Was Briana with him when that happened? Was Louis gonna allow him to stay?

The more he thought about it he knew he shouldn't do it.

It was some unnecessary pain that Harry wasn't willing to deal with.

On the other hand, he felt weird leaving.

He hasn't really talked to Louis in more than 8 months and the first time they did- and not because someone forced them to- all they did was being awkward and fight; it just felt wrong to leave like that.

And Dr. Collins said that he shouldn't come if he was going to leave in 2 weeks, so was it OK that he left then?

And even thought Harry was thinking about all of that, he couldn't just decide by himself. He knew Louis had the right to choose what was going to happen.

The main reason being that it was his house.

Harry only wanted to help and to make things better between them, because he missed Louis.

He missed happy Louis.

The worst part was that Harry knew perfectly what Louis was like when he was happy, he loved happy Louis. How could someone like him end up like that? It was unbelievable.

It had been 2 hours since Dr. Collins left but Louis was still the same. He wasn't even laying on the bed, he was just sitting.

That had to be uncomfortable.

Harry decided to unpack because it was uncomfortable to choose his clothes from the suitcase and because Louis was in that room, so that way he could keep an eye on him.

He doubted it at first, not sure if it was a good idea for many reasons.

1- He still wasn't sure if he was going to stay.

2- How was Louis going to react when he woke up and saw Harry's clothes in the closet. He didn't want to scare him. He was only gonna stay if Louis was OK with it.

3- There wasn't enough room for his shoes in that closet.

And he had brought loads of boots.

All those reasons were in his head before he decided that he was bored and that it wouldn't mean anything they didn't want it to mean. Not to mention that he had to stay with Louis in case he woke up.

What the fuck? He was going to wake up, he's not dead.

It took him a whole hour to finish unpacking but when he did it was lunchtime, so he decided to cook something for himself but then he remembered that Louis was going to have to eat at some point. So he madesome sandwiches because Louis was still not 'waking up', and those could perfectly go to the fridge.

It was when the 4 hours had passed that Harry got nervous because Louis wasn't moving. So he went to the guest room and found Louis still in the same position.

\- Louis, hey, how are you feeling?

Nothing.

Harry felt like he could cry.

\- Lou, I made us some sandwiches. I hope you are hungry. I am but I'm waiting for you to have lunch. It's already 1 p.m.

Nothing.

So Harry decided to stand right in front of him so that he could look into his eyes.

\- Louis, come on. Let's go have lunch.

Louis just blinked.

But Harry saw that and smiled.

Louis smiled back but his eyes were still empty.

\- Lou, come on, lunch is ready. I'm hungry and I don't want to eat without you. Are you really going to make me wait for you when I'm this hungry?

This time Louis blinked once. Then twice. And then multiple times.

\- Harry?

'Don't scare him, Harry'.

\- Hey, I made lunch.

\- Oh, great, I'm starving. What did you do?

If you’re imaging him enthusiastically, you’re wrong.

\- I just made some sandwiches.

\- Oh, that's fine. Thanks.

Lunch wasn't exactly weird or awkward, he was more like off than any other thing.

Harry wasn’t sure if Louis was avoiding the elephant in the room or if he really didn’t see it.

He didn’t even know if Louis knew he had been kind of in a coma for like 4 hours, which said a lot about a person’s mental health.

\- So, what are you doing today?

‘Did Louis know that it was already noon?’

‘Maybe he usually wakes up at this time so he thinks he literally slept all this time’

\- Not much, anything you need to do?

\- Not really, no.

\- Alright then.

\- Yeah.

Everything was quiet after that.

‘Did Louis really not know about everything that had happened only 5 hours ago?’

Could Harry really be angry at someone who didn’t remember having insulted him? Was it wrong of him?

Wait, wait.

Harry should have told him?

Fucking Dr. Collins who didn’t warn him that could happen.

\- What do you usually do for fun here, then?

He needed to break the ice with something, right?

\- Nothing major, I watch Netflix or write some songs.

Well, at least he didn’t say something wild like ‘hating on you’.

Harry still didn’t know how to respond though.

\- That's cool.

\- Yeah.

Awkward again.

\- So, how long will you be around?

-Oh, I'm not sure.

Oh so welcomed he felt.

\- Why come here in the first place?

What a magnificent host, Louis.

\- What?

\- Yeah, I mean, what are you doing in L.A.?

\- Oh, you know I was selling my house, right? So I had to do some paperwork and I don't really have a place to stay so I came here.

What a big lie.

Like there weren't hotels in L.A.

\- I thought that was done ages ago.

\- Yeah, I thought that too but you know how this is.

Not so subtle, Harry. Not so subtle.

\- Right.

\- Yeah.

‘Why do we make this so awkward?’

\- And when do you have to do that paperwork then?

\- Oh, I talked to the company and they told me there's been some trouble so I'll have to stay in town for a bit.  

\- Oh.

\- Is there any problem if I stay here?

And Louis stood silent probably for longer than someone who would want him to stay would.

\- Sure, I mean, how long are we exactly talking about?

\- They didn't say anything.

\- OK, no problem, I guess. You can have the guest room for as long as you'd like.

\- Thanks, Lou.

As you may imagine, it became even more awkward after it. Why Harry insisted in calling him Lou, that I'll never know.

But he kept doing it.

\- It's fine.

So, no one was eating, no one was talking but for some reason, it felt rude for them to leave.

\- I have to be in the studio in a while, but you can stay here.

\- Oh, sure. Thanks.

Bless Louis for that information. For once, he could call Dr. Collins and ask him all his doubts without fearing that Louis would hear him. And then because now they finally had something to talk about.

\- Are you recording anything?

\- Not really, no. Still in the writing process.

\- Oh, that's cool. How's the album coming then?

\- Basically, there's no album.

\- That bad?

\- Absolutely.

Warning: Louis actually smiled while saying that.

\- How's yours doing?

\- My album's happy, thanks for your interest.

Dumb jokes take over.

Warning No. 2: Louis smiled again.

\- Lucky him.

Damn.

\- I'll have you know it's a her.

\- Sorry, my bad.

\- It's fine she gets that often.

\- I see.

And he had smiled 3 times already. Beat that, bitches.

\- But, yeah. I'm still giving it shape, you know?

\- Yeah, I get it. Anything done thought?

\- Actually no, I've been writing a lot, like an actual lot but nothing is finished and I absolutely have no idea what I want my album to sound like.

\- Yeah, I get that.

\- Is it the same for you?

\- Well, I don't really have many songs to choose between but I get the ‘I don't know what I want my album to soundl like’. All I can think about is that I want it to be honest, you know? That's all I want. For once.

That. Was. Deep.

Not really.

But if you were Harry, you'd have your own ideas about what the ‘be honest for once’. I mean, was the ‘for once’ really necessary?

Clue: no.

\- I know.

His voice was so small.

More than Louis.

\- After all, being solo will allow us to make our music more about ourselves and not so much about relatable things, you know?

\- Kind of, I mean I get your point but don't you like your lyrics to be relatable?

\- There are songs and songs. Some are just things that you feel, that people can relate. But when you tell a story, your story, that's just one experience. Your experience. No one can relate, it's about you.

\- Well, I think it's not up to you who relates and who doesn't. Like once it's out there it kind of isn't yours anymore. It becomes something bigger the moment someone listens to it and it makes them feel something.

Louis was just staring.

\- Sorry, does that not make sense at all?

\- No, it does. It's just that I haven't really thought about it. It feels weird to share it now.

\- No, I mean you can feel what you want but that's not what I meant. That song, your song, will always mean something to you, and that is yours. Absolutely and completely. But it can mean something completely different to someone else, and that's something you can't or shouldn't try to change.

\- Mindblowing.

\- You see.

They were laughing.

I mean, actually laughing and joking and communicating and wow.

Wow.

But of course once they realised it, guess what?

Awkward again.

\- Right. Well, I should get going now. It's like a 30 minute drive from here. See you when I get back.

\- Sure, drive safely, Lou.

\- ‘Course, Harry. See you later.

\- Wait, Lou. Should I expect someone?

\- What?

And yeah, what?

\- I mean, is anyone coming over or something?

\- No, why?

\- Just wondering, I didn't really know.

\- Alright, and no, no one is coming.

\- OK, see you later, Lou.

\- Yeah, bye.

And off to the studio he was.


	4. Better than words

'Have to be to the studio?' What a big lie. Like a big, fat lie. 

Ridiculous even. 

Louis hadn't been to the studio since the doctors told him that his mum was in fact dying of cancer.  


Even before knowing that, when they only found out about it was hard enough. Because they knew things weren't well, but cancer? Just like that? His mother?  


His mother having cancer? 

Life was more than unfair, more than cruel, evil wasn't enough to describe it. 

Louis was so angry, so sad. 

So disappointed. 

Was he really gonna have to watch his mum fighting against a disease that would kill her? Every day a little bit more?

It was so hard for him being there, watching her in the hospital and having doctors say it was only a matter of time. 

What the hell? Who the fuck says that to a family? He has little sisters and a baby brother. 

He consulted every doctor he could think of, he tried it all, but it wasn't enough apparently. 

It was in fact a matter of time.  


His sisters? Doris and Ernie still didn't quite understand what was happening but they'd have to grow up without their mother.  


But the other girls? The ones old enough to understand what was happening? 

How does someone even go through that?  


And yeah, he knew she didn't want him to give his career up, his dream. But it really was easier said than done.  


We all find our own way to mourn those that we love.  


But yeah, apparently he was going to the studio after all.  


Everything to escape Harry.  


It was a good thing in the end, needing somewhere to hide because he wasn't getting anywhere with his album.  


It was kind of funny how the one thing that never failed to bring them close was music. One way or another, music was the one to save them. It had always been.  


When he got to the studio he realised that probably no one was expecting him to be there so he made some calls while having a quick smoke.  


So, he had a couple of songs he wrote himself, some others written with songwriters he connected with and some others written for him.  


Louis considered himself a rather good writer so he really couldn't understand why nothing was coming out of him.  


He was in a huge author's block.  


Of course when he said nothing he didn't literally mean it but he was close to it. He didn't have a single finished song of his own and he hated the ones that people kept sending him.  


He had so many things inside but it was so hard putting them into words. How do you make justice to that feeling with only words? How was he worthy enough to write them down in a piece of paper?  


Music. That was he's incredible and magical answer.  


How long do you think it took him to realise it wasn't that simple?  


When you feel so much… too much, those feelings become more than something you felt once. They become a tangle.  


It's not about how you felt when you had to say goodbye to your family to go on tour that first time anymore, it's about all of the times you had to leave them.  


It's not about how fans kept telling him the band was better off without him for the very first time anymore. It was about all of them, every single time.  


But then it became more than fans, it was people close to him as well. Trying to convince him to quit.  


How do you make justice to that feeling? It wasn't such a big deal every time, yet it was feeding something bigger. That's where they're all related, that's why it's not so simple.  


And what he was feeling wasn’t even about that. Not anymore at least.  
If he couldn’t deal with leaving his family, with people doubting how worthy of being in One Direction he was, imagine dealing with your mother dying, your entire family suffering, with your life falling completely apart, with the band that you loved and made isn’t working anymore, feeling like all you do is fail, and everything in your life is a failure.  


And besides, no one wants to listen a song about cancer. It’s not good for business.  


Anyway, Harry.  


When Louis saw him in front of his door, I legit thought he was going to faint. Of course he then made it up while being in an I-can’t-deal-with-emotions-coma or whatever.  


And knowing that he’d stay there with him? Like come on, you don’t have to be a genius to know that Harry wasn’t telling the truth about selling his house, he had a thousand lawyers to do all that work for him. Yet he didn’t find it in himself to kick him out, hell if he didn’t love the idea of Harry coming to visit him.  


Of course he didn't feel comfortable with Harry there, but it gave him a feeling of adrenaline, he was sweating excitement; it was just that Harry could bring something to his life that no one else could. Because he understood everything he had gone through in One Direction, but so did Niall, Liam and Zayn. What made Harry different was Harry. It was as simple as that.  


But still, the fear controlled 70% of his life, so he was gonna have to go to the studio a lot while Harry stood in his house. There was no way he was going to share all that much time with Harry. He didn’t have it anyway.  


Freddie came over every Friday, along with Briana. She didn’t really stay much, only to have some tea, but then she left and Freddie got to spend the night.  


He FaceTimed Danielle every day before going to bed. She was on set away from his house in LA, so he only got to see her some than other weekend. So he liked talking to her before bed, it made him feel better.  


He had been working in a project with Steve Aoki and he was actually very excited. He didn’t really know anything with certainty, but he was sure it was gonna be a success.  


On top of that, he had his therapy sessions or whatever it was that he went to when he visited Dr. Collins. But only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  


And so yeah, he was busy, but also he had free time. The problem was that making an album on his own was becoming one of the most frustrating things in his life at the time.  


Back to music, back to the album.  


Well, there’s not much to say about it anyway. Maybe he could write a song about how many times a day he could go by ignoring the label’s calls until it was too much so he had to answer.  
That would’ve been a bop.  


Because literally that’s the main reason why his album was so stuck. Every single line that didn’t fit the image they wanted to sell, and it was automatically turned down. That was why so many songwriters contacted him, it’s not easy to write a song with so many restrictions.  


Dating or not. Gay or not. Partying or not. Quite or not. Drunk or not.  


Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. That basically sums it up.  


Not entirely a lie, just that when you take the truth to make a truth that works better for you, that’s just clever lying. But lying after all.  


At least it’s not One Direction. Same label though.  


I’m not sure he was as interesting without the band for the world to see, but if you have a shot, you better tap into the man’s potential. Personal life, of course. Don’t even think talent was taken into account.  


Finally Louis’ team arrived to the studio, quite surprised may I add.  


He tried picking back up with some of his old songs, it didn’t entirely work.  


He wasn’t even trying to follow the rules anymore, he was legit worried about the fact that he didn’t seem able to write a single song about anything.  


Maybe he should’ve kept Home for this album.  


Anyway, it was late. He had to go home. He had to face Harry.  


Harry.  


Was he even at his place? Maybe he should’ve called him? He wasn’t even sure he had the same phone number. 

What if the Zayn thing happened again? It had not been pleasant and he was not looking forward to repeat it.  


The drive back to his place wasn’t that long. It took about 20 minutes, but he liked driving. He enjoyed it. He usually liked to try new routes to get home because it distracted him, he didn’t have to think about other stuff while he was driving. That was his safe place.  


His safe place. In a car. In an always moving car. A car that he knew he could take one day and never return.  


One of those things he couldn’t tell Dr. Collins because even he realised that’s not something that a mentally stable person would say.  


Who said the truth was stable?  


He could see his house, only two blocks away from him.  


Was Harry also only two blocks away from him? He felt thousands of kilometres away from him.  


He spent that time thinking of Harry and what he was supposed to think about the whole situation.  


What was he supposed to feel?  


Happy? Glad? Thankful?  


Overwhelmed? Upset? Angry?  


He probably spent too much time thinking of what he was supposed to feel, and kind of ignored how he actually felt.  


Focusing on what’s right and wrong to feel, when that’s something that 1. You can’t control and 2. It’s absolutely subjective. But we tend to try and control aspects of our life rather than try and change those that we don’t like or don’t feel comfortable with.  


Home, Louis was finally home. His LA house, more like.  


\- Hey! Harry?  


Nothing.  


Lies, there was a sound upstairs. But no, Harry didn’t reply.  


\- Harry!  


He said it louder that time and the noise stopped.  


\- Louis?  


\- Yeah, I’m back.  


\- Oh, there you are.  


He said that while he walked down the stairs.  


\- Hi.  


\- How was the studio?  


\- Not bad.  


\- That’s nice.  


Was it?  


-Are you hungry?  


\- A bit, yeah.  


\- I was waiting for you to have dinner.  


Oh.  


\- Oh, thanks. We can order something.  


\- Sure.  


\- Pizza sounds any good?  


\- Yeah.  


\- Great.  


And Louis could’ve sworn Harry muttered ‘Mate’ right after, so it really wasn’t Louis fault that he had to smile at his dumb joke.


End file.
